Archive for February 23rd, 2009
February 23rd, 2009
Roger, 33, is a successful engineer. Married with one child, Roger called me because his marriage was falling apart. His wife, Laura, had recently told him that the marriage was over unless they got some help. She told him she just couldn’t take it any more.
Roger and Laura were both on the phone for their first phone session with me. Laura described what the problem was for her.
“Roger is never present - not with me, not with our daughter. He just does his own thing and doesn’t consider what anyone else might need. If I get upset or irritated, he completely retreats and waits for me to fix it. He can retreat for days at a time and the energy around the house is awful. I try to take care of myself, but I just can’t be around his negativity.
“On top of that, if I ask him to do something, he either refused to do it, or says he will do it and then doesn’t, or ends up messing it up. I know he is competent because of the work he does, but he sure doesn’t act competent at home. The only time he is really interested in me is when I’ve completely pulled back. If I want anything from him, he retreats. I can’t live like this anymore!”
“Roger,” I said, “Do you know what Laura is talking about?”
“I know what she is talking about, but I don’t see it the way she does. I just feel like she always wants something from me. I end up feeling criticized and trapped a lot. I shut down to get away from feeling trapped.”
“Do you still feel this way, now that she wants out of the marriage?”
“It’s funny that you should ask that. No. As soon as she said she wanted out, all of my feelings for her came back. I can’t figure it out!”
“Roger, was one or both of your parents controlling with you?”
“Yes, my mother. She was incredibly controlling.”
“And did you learn various ways of resisting her?”
“Yes!” Roger laughs. He obviously gets pleasure out of being resistant.
Roger has a deep fear of engulfment. As soon as someone wants something from him, his terror of losing himself is activated and he automatically resists. He does not even stop to ask himself if he wants to do whatever it is the other person wants. He does not stop to think about what he wants or what is in his highest good. He just resists. He resists because not being controlled is more important to him than anything. Not being controlled is more important to Roger than being loving to himself or to others. Not being controlled is his God.
While Laura can certainly be controlling at times - as we all can - she does not cause Roger’s resistance. His choice to resist rather than care about himself and others started as a small child, and has continued into adulthood. As long as not being controlled is more important to Roger than being loving, there is nothing Laura can do.
The real issue is that Roger has never developed an adult part of himself capable of thinking about what is best for him. He is operating from a small child aspect of himself who automatically resists in the face of Laura’s requests, just as he did with his mother. Until Roger is willing to do the inner work necessary to develop a loving adult self, he will continue to respond on automatic pilot, and Laura will continue to feel unloved by him.
The irony of the situation is that Roger is being controlled by his resistance. He is not deciding for himself what he wants and doesn’t want - he is just automatically resisting. He is not even conscious that he is choosing to resist.
Because Roger did not want to lose Laura, he was willing to do some inner work. The first step was to become aware of his resistance.
“Roger, I suggest that you consciously choose to resist rather than just doing it automatically. By choosing it, you will become aware of it. Are you willing to try this, or do you want to resist this too?”
Roger laughed. He could already feel his desire to resist doing what I asked him to do. But he did choose to try it.
Within a few months, Roger was very aware of choosing to resist. He was also aware that it was no longer much fun. It was not making him happy. Roger decided that it was more important for him to be loving than to resist being controlled. He was on the road to healing.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com.
February 23rd, 2009
Adults, with eyes to see, can learn so much about success in life from children.
When a baby is born, it has instinctively in it everything needed to succeed in life. A child is like a fresh piece of canvas, ready to become a unique contribution to the world. A child has had less exposure to adult conditioning with regards to behaviour and expectations. Every child has the seeds of success for life within them. By observing children being children, adults can re-learn principles of success that have been buried by their adult world.
As I was driving home last week, I noticed a little boy and his mother by the side of the road. They had stopped walking and the mother was adjusting a toy crossbow to fit more comfortably over the boy’s shoulder. I realized that at that moment in the heart and mind of that small boy, he was not on a sidewalk by a busy road. Perhaps he was hunting in a forest, or was an intrepid explorer of the unknown, ready to pull out his bow and arrows at the slightest hint of danger. In his imagination he was a hero, confident, skilled, and brave. He was alert, prepared, with the expectation of overcoming danger or threat with his skill and swift reflexes.
For a child involved in imaginative play, there is very little distinction between fantasy and reality. Children live and play out their dreams totally in the moment.
There are many principles of success that can be learned by looking through the eyes of a child. Children’s eyes see with clarity and perception and reflect the reality of who they are. Children are uncluttered by training, brainwashing, and by living according to the unwritten rules and etiquette that have assailed the adult mind. For a child life has limitless possibilities that have not been squashed by logic, common sense, or limiting expectations that become part of the adult mind.
What principle of success can be drawn from the little boy with his bow and arrow?
One of the most powerful and yet unused principles of success is the process of visualization. Visualization is the act of creating compelling and vivid pictures in your mind. This is just what the little boy was doing. He was “that hero”; he acted like him, dressed like him, and could picture himself in another time and another place. For him, it seemed like reality. This is a spontaneous, natural process for a child.
Researchers have found that visualization accelerates achievement in powerful ways. It has been proved by research that when performing any task in life the brain uses the same identical processes that it would if you were only vividly visualizing that activity. The brain sees no difference at all between visualizing something and actually doing it.
This principle also is applicable when a person is learning something new. Visualization makes the brain achieve more. In a study by researchers at Harvard University, it was found that students who visualized in advance were able to perform tasks with nearly 100 percent accuracy. Students who performed tasks without using visualization only achieved 55 percent accuracy.
Visualization is frequently used by Olympic and professional athletes to improve performance.
Jack Nicklaus, a legend in the golfing world, once described how he uses visualization. “I never hit a shot, not even in practice, without having a very sharp in-focus picture of it in my head. It’s like a color movie. First I “see” where I want it to finish, nice and white and sitting high on the bright green grass. Then the scene quickly changes, and I “see” the ball going there: its path, trajectory, and shape, even its behaviour on landing. Then there’s a sort of fade out, and the next scene shows me making the kind of swing that will turn the previous images into reality.” The results of the power of visualization for Jack Nicklaus are convincing: he has won over 100 tournaments earning over 5.7 million in the process.
For a child a high proportion of time is spent in visualization. Adults may say, “He’s only playing” and not see the potential power for success that the child is practicing. Visualization is a process that is naturally strong in the learning and formative years of the child. Research now confirms that visualization activates the creative powers of the subconscious mind. It focuses the brain by programming its reticular activating system (RAS) to notice available resources that were always there but previously unnoticed. Visualization, incredibly, also magnetizes and attracts you to the people, resources, and opportunities you need to achieve your goal.
Next time you see children playing, pause to watch visualization in its purest form. What can you learn and apply to your own life to accelerate and achieve greater success using the principle of visualization?
Barbara White, an experienced educator and parent of three
teenagers, speaks with humor, insight, and passion to both teachers and parents
on the subject of
learning and
personality styles. Her latest presentation “Learning Through the Eyes of a
Child” is both entertaining and inspirational. For more articles and information
visit her websites
www.livingbeyondbetter.com
and http;//www.articlesbeyondbetter.com
February 23rd, 2009
How often have you said to a your friends, “I always seem to pick guys who are bad for me.”
According to Hypnotherapy specialist Roderick Piggott, women who experience a series of broken and unequal relationships, are often suffering from issues of low self-esteem and poor self-image. This causes them to choose the wrong partners again and again.
Low self-esteem can really impact negatively on a persons quality of life, making them feel that they don’t deserve love and respect and are not fit to enjoy a proper, fulfilling relationship. Motivation levels can sink, leaving them feeling low and robbing them of any enthusiasm.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, you blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault; you underestimate your abilities, and you expect things to go wrong for you. Often, low self-esteem is associated with a range of other problems, such as lack of confidence, depression, anxiety, stress and jealousy. If you feel that your opinions and thoughts are worthless, you will find yourself unable to connect or communicate effectively with others, which can become a real issue. This can be picked up by partners, leading to a shift in the balance of a relationship, turning it into something that is unequal and disadvantageous to the weaker partner. Frequently this leads to an abusive relationship and often the cycle is repeated many times.
It simply may not be the “wrong” man that you choose, it is very probable that a partner will become frustrated and lose respect. Attitudes then change taking the relationship off course.
There are many things that might happen in life that can cause low self-esteem. It could be a traumatic childhood, maybe a respected figure in your life belittled you, perhaps failure at a career or at school, or even a lack of social life or friends. Whatever the causes, it is important to try and get your life back on track and get over these feelings of worthlessness for the sake of yourself and those around you. These negative emotions can reflect in everything you do and say, and can start to affect your whole life.
Women who realize that they need self-esteem help are often too embarrassed to admit to anyone that they have a problem, however many sufferers of low self-esteem are benefiting from hypnotherapy treatments at home, which can literally change peoples lives for the better.
Even though you may want to change the way you feel, to be confident in your thoughts and ideas, to have a sense of faith in your own abilities and know consciously that you are worthwhile and respected, your emotional subconscious mind knows different. Your mind goes back to your deepest insecurities, together with the emotions that are held alongside those memories. Your beliefs are accessed. Your conscious and subconscious mind is in conflict. The subconscious mind wins, every time because your emotions rule. You can change your beliefs by changing your emotions. Hypnosis can do this. And it is easy.
Hypnotherapy treatments work in a very natural way, People are constantly capable of change, which can happen more powerfully in an altered state. In this altered state, which we call hypnosis, suggestions to the sub-conscious mind can supply us with the feelings and emotions that go with imagination and creativity to bring about changes within your feeling system, your emotional system, and this can change your values, perceptions and beliefs. It’s what makes hypnosis an incredibly powerful means to achieve your dreams.
Your subconscious mind has the power to end your struggle with your low self-esteem. Your life will improve if you begin to believe in yourself and your abilities, you will feel respected, giving you that extra boost to increase motivation, and your enthusiasm will increase noticeably. Some people say it feels like magic because it is so easy to make powerful changes. Hypnotherapy simply allows you to access the resources you already have in your subconscious mind.
Partner at Imagine Me Media - The Hypnotherapy DVD company. Imagine Me… with High Self-esteem, is just one of a series of titles in the Imagine Me… range of helpful DVDs now available. www.imaginememedia.com